The Cryptic Mummy

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Welcome to the 13 Days of Halloween

Ello. Ello. This is it kids–this is what we wait an entire year for . . . Halloween month! I am feckin’ jazzed. Tonight is the first night of the 13 days of Halloween and our theme is the mummy. Wikipedia defines the mummy as a deceased human or other animal whose skin and organs have been preserved by either intentional or accidental exposure to chemicals, extreme cold, very low humidity, or lack of air, so that the recovered body does not decay further if kept in cool and dry conditions. I define a mummy as this, and I react to a mummy like this. Anywho, here’s how it’s going to go down for the next 13 days: a post a day will be coming at you until Halloween night. In these posts, I’ll be sharing what I’ve done for a fun-filled theme day of Halloween fun. So, enough bull shitting, let’s get started.

In this post:

  • Today’s Urban Legend
  • Song of the Day
  • Tonight’s Movie
  • Dinner, Beverage, and Dessert

Today’s Urban Legend

Person Trapped In Cemetery Overnight Dies

Urban Legend: A person makes a bet with their friends that they can spend the night in a cemetery and is found dead in the morning in the arms of a graveyard statue.

What It’s About: A person makes a bet with a group of friends that he or she can spend the night in the cemetery. The person is found dead in the morning, laying across
the arms of a large statue, usually of an angel with it’s arms out-stretched. This legend
also included a statue of an old woman seated with her arms out-stretched, and a woman
standing with her arms out-stretched.

Origins: This legend has been told as having happened in various parts of the United States but no true origins can be found.

Song of the Day

So, I don’t really like any of the songs about mummies that I’ve come across. My apologies to those of you that are fans; feel free to prove me wrong. I am, however, a fan of the Ramones:

Tonight’s Movie

Well, duh, it’s totally gonna be The Mummy starring Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weiz!

Hey! Let’s make it a double feature with The Mummy Returns (starring the same peeps).

Dinner, Beverage, and Dessert

Tonight’s Menu:

  • Mummy Calzones
  • Creamy Crypt Coolers
  • Mummy Heads

Mummy Calzones

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This recipe comes from a cookbook in my vast collection, but it can also be found here.

Ingredients:
2 loaves (1 pound each) frozen bread dough, thawed
1-1/2 cups (6 ounces) shredded Mozzarella Cheese
1/2 cup pizza sauce
50 slices pepperoni
1/2 cup chopped green pepper (optional)
1 egg, lightly beaten (I don’t do this either)
1 pitted ripe olive, sliced and cut in half

Directions:

  1. Roll out each piece of dough into a rounded triangle shape, about 14-in. high x 11-in. wide at the base of the triangle. Place each on a parchment-lined baking sheet with the tip of the triangle toward you. Lightly score 4-in.-wide rectangle in the center of the triangle 2 in. from the top and bottom.
  2. On each long side, cut 1-in.-wide strips at an angle up to the score line, leaving a triangle in the top center of the wide end for the head.
  3. Inside the scored rectangle in the center, layer the cheese, pizza sauce, pepperoni and green pepper. Shape the top center triangle into a head. Starting at the head, fold alternating strips of dough at an angle across filling stopping at the last strip on each side. Fold the bottom dough tip up over the filling, then fold the remaining two strips over the top; press down firmly.
  4. Brush dough with egg. Cover and let rise for 15 minutes. For eyes, press 1 olive slice into each head. Discard or save the remaining slices for another use.
  5. Bake at 350 ° for 25-28 minutes or until golden brown. Let stand for 5 minutes before slicing.

Creamy Crypt Coolers

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This recipe comes from a cookbook in my vast collection, but it can also be found here.

Ingredients:

2 C Orange Sherbet
2 C Vanilla Ice Cream
2 C Orange Juice
5 Drops Yellow Food Coloring
5 Drops Red Food Coloring
1 C Lemon-lime soda

Directions:

  1. Combine sherbet, ice cream, juice and food colorings in blender.
  2. Process until smooth
  3. Add soda.
  4. Process until just blended
  5. Serve immediately.

Mummy Heads

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This recipe comes from a cookbook in my vast collection.

Here’s my improvise on this recipe:

Use a basic Rice Crispy bars recipe. If you don’t already have one memorized, click here.

Now here’s the special additions:

1/4 tsp cinnamon (this will be added at the same time you add the Rice Crispies)

24 dried cranberries (for mummy eyes)

12 strips of gauze, each about 15 inches long (15 ft of gauze total)

Directions:

  1. Once you have the Rice Crispy bars mixed, spray your hands with cooking spray (respray as necessary) and make 12 oval shapes (the heads).
  2. Fold a strip of gauze in half lengthwise. Starting at one end, wrap around oval to cover it entirely, leaving a gap for the “eyes.” Place 2 dried cranberries in the gap for the “eyes” and press down slightly to adhere. Repeat with remaining ovals.

So here’s my picture of tonight’s recipes:

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As you can see, I made one crappy looking mummy and the other one turned out even worse. But I’m not Martha Stewart or Rachel Ray, and along time ago, I came to terms with the fact that my recipes will never look as good as the picture. I’m not Giada De Laurentiis, and that’s alright because my greatest critics were my kids. And if you read here, you’ll understand how the 13 days of Halloween started and what’s really important. So if you feck up a recipe–who cares–as long as you and the kiddos are having a kick ass time, that’s all that matters.

Until tomorrow . . .

Happy Haunting

Halloween-humor-2013

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